10.31.01

10.25.01

For those of you who have been following along ... I AM back from Vegasland.

The fires I went up there to put out were really only smoldering embers, but none the less, the task is complete and clients are satisfied.

In the interim, I have aggravated a previous pinched nerve in my neck and shoulder (no, NOT from toting my big winnings) and I find the position of sitting/typing at the computer extremely painful.

So, I am taking a bit of a health hiatus until this "pain in the neck" settles down.

10.21.01

Yes, I am in Las Vegas.

So, why ... in the city that never sleeps ... am I spending time writing here?

There are only so many casinos you can walk through ... only so many "upscale" (a.k.a. way, way expensive) shops to peruse ... and soon, they all become one big, neon, outlandish, smoke filled blur.

The highlight of this adventure so far? You will think that I have lost my mind (and you would probably be correct).

Perhaps 12 miles from the approach to Hoover Dam ... after the long, tedious drive through the Arizona desert, all traffic was directed into a bare spot in the desert.

Right there, in the middle of nowhere, was literally "Checkpoint Charlie".

Uniformed (fatigues and full gear) soldiers carrying m-16s had set up a whole operation to stop and check each vehicle.

I found this both fascinating and comforting.

I wanted to take photos.

Um, no way.

"Move along ma'am."

Drat, the one really cool thing about this trip ..... and nobody wants to let me play journalistic photographer.

Guarding a dam does not allow for a sense of humor.

Yep, fascinating and comforting.

10.19.01

Just a brief note here.

Between panicked moments, bouts of energy loss, and sheer frustration ...

I am packing to head northwest through the Arizona desert.

Another business trip to the land of sin and depravity.

Yep, Las Vegas.

Most people would probably deem this an adventure and exciting.

How many languages can I say "Ugh!" in?

I do not smoke. I do not drink. I do not gamble.

In Las Vegas, I am truly a fish out of water.

I am rather understated, sedate, and a wee bit conservative in my appearance and "style" (whatever the heck THAT is).

On The Strip, I look like a school marm.

Here in sunny Arizona, I am normal.

Oh wait, normal? ... Oh nevermind.

I will have my notebook PC with me and may chronicle the experience.

Nonetheless, play nicely amongst yourselves while I am gone.

10.13.01

MISSING: One woman's energy.

LAST SEEN: Before September 11th.

DESCRIPTION: Bustling, creative, witty, organized.

HEIGHT: Once, boundless.

WEIGHT: Whatever her shoulders could bear.

REWARD: The undying gratefulness of one woman.

COMMENTS: If you have seen my energy, please return it to me. You see, my energy and I are one. Without my energy, life is simply put on hold. I have no time for hold right now.

Your prompt attention to this matter is greatly appreciated.

And speaking of appreciation, to those of you who have so kindly offered your words and thoughts of care and support in the last few days ... you are most dearly appreciated.

Thank you.

10.10.01

How do I write what I need to write yet cannot bring myself to commit to words?

Since Monday, I have approached my computer to send out the email and make this journal entry. I sit at the keyboard and stare into space blankly. Each effort, a failure.

The tears begin falling and alas, I find myself shaking, backing away ... and with shoulders slumped in painful acceptance, I simply say, "Later".

It is as though committing here, to you, makes it real. Makes it over.

And sadly, it is.

On Monday, I said goodbye to my sweet friend, companion, confidant ... and precious little angel.

My heart aches. It has broken.

My mind keeps replaying the last few moments with her at the vet's office like a nightmare repeating itself in slow motion.

Her dark eyes fixed on mine. Trusting me. Loving me.

As the pink liquid entered her vein, I felt her body relax in my arms ... with my face nuzzled into her neck, I whispered my words of love and thankfulness ... and then, I felt her small body give up its life force to Heaven.

Some might say I am being dramatic.

Yes, dammit ... I am. It is my right. It is all I have right now.

This little doglette was the closest energy that I will ever know as a child of my own. She loved me beyond words ... she was unconditionally my girl.

She dedicated her 17.5 years with me to making me smile, to bringing me happiness, to making my life full.

My precious girl was small in size ... just a wisp of fluff and fur, soft like a kitten, and sweet as honey. But she was giant in heart, tough and playful ... and would risk her life to protect me.

She knew I loved her. She simply knew it.

She came into my life quickly. She stayed a long time. Each moment, precious and cherished.

Thank you sweet girl. Thank you, my little "Lace".

10.07.01

It's late. I've been pacing. I lay in my bed watching the various cable news channels. The words are there but they sometimes get lost in my head. I get up and pace.

Too much.

Too much for one woman to handle.

I walk to the open window and watch thunderstorms roll in the distance against the black night sky.

I pace.

Walking outdoors, I feel a slight breeze against my skin and I raise my face for its caress. I feel it dry the tears still running down my cheeks.

In the far distance, I hear the soft tinkling of a windchime. I listen for its melody to clear my head.

My body is weary from stress. I ache. My spirit is worn from heartbreak. Yet rest eludes me.

Time is passing too slowly.

Time is passing in nanoseconds and instants.

If I could stop time. If I could turn back time. I pace as if time is all I have.

In a few hours, I will make the decision to say goodbye to a dear friend.

I hold her sweet and precious life in my hands.

What a coward I am. I am wallowing in fear. I am pacing as though each step will bring me resolve.

In the whole scope of the world's issues, my small life is truly inconsequential.

Yet right now, I am consumed.

I cannot help but wonder if the night sky and desert breezes can hear the breaking of my heart. How could they not?

And so ... waiting on time ... cursing the time ...

I pace.

10.03.01

10.02.01

Have you ever faked it?

Yep. You heard me.

I have.

More than once and in many ways.

It was necessary.

It was all I could do at the time.

Eyelashes. Sometimes, I still do.

Fingernails. Used to, no more.

Hairpieces, extensions, and so on. Um, maybe.

Girdle. Cleavage creating bra. I'll never tell.

Okay, so I faked it many times when I was younger.

Bizarro world: Back then, I did not need all that stuff.

Now, when I am old and decrepit and a victim of time and gravity ... I simply blow that all off for a more "natural Jann".

Who am I kidding, eh?